When talking about Homosexuality, you'll undoubtedly get a very strong response from nearly anyone. And although their opinions will differ, one giant overtone remains true; you better not say anything that offends homosexuals or you will be socially ruined. This type of attempted language control via fear only comes from one person, the same one that uses fear as the mechanism of nearly all of his avenues of control, Lucifer.
Recently, I heard the story about a guy who used to be a homosexual, but has since come to terms with it and has even found Christ. I was so compelled by his story, I had to try and meet the guy and do a sit-down interview. At first he kind of wanted to, but then he didn't. He said he'd feel embarrassed by having his story out there, so I asked him if he would do the interview with no pictures, and us referring to him by a different name, and he thought that was fine. So here now, is that interview.
MizzouLife: Thanks so much for sitting down with me. I know your story and I know we've had a chance to kind of get to know one another over the last few weeks or so, and to be honest, it's something that's really insightful and inspiring to me. Why don't you go ahead and just tell everyone a little bit about yourself. (Note: For reasons of concealing his identity, we're referring to him as Darren.)
Darren: Well, I'm 32 years old, I'm a construction worker and I'm a member of a church. Um...I guess that's a start. I grew up in Missouri but moved to the south when I was about five. I had a lot of fun as a kid.
ML: What kinds of things did you do?
D: I played video games a lot. I was outdoors a lot though, too. I played with G.I. Joe action figures and stuff like that. My childhood was pretty normal. My parents were good people and tried hard despite the fact they didn't have a lot of money.
ML: But something happened in your childhood. What happened and what was this event like for you.
D: Okay so when I was five, there was a family that lived down the street from us. They had two boys. One of them was a couple years older than me. I liked hanging out with him because everyone wants to hang out with older kids and feel cool. But yeah, one day this guy, I won't name his name or anything, but yeah we were in my room at my parent's house and he took me over to the other side of my bed where my parents couldn't see if they walked in. He put me on the floor and essentially raped me. I didn't really know what was going on or how to react becasuse I was so young. I just kind of went with it, as sad as that sounds.
ML: Did you tell anyone about this?
D: No. I thought I would get in trouble if I said anything. And since I didn't really understand what had happened, I didn't compartmentalize it as something traumatic, just something that happened.
ML: Now this kid who did this to you, there was something noteworthy about his father. Can you tell us what that was?
D: He was a Catholic priest. He was a very scary dude, I hated having to talk to him. He was supposed to be a pastor or whatever but he was always yelling and screaming and using God's name in vain. I saw this guy's private life and he was not a Christian. What's more, me and his son never discussed it, but I'm obviously over 99% certain that he and his brother were raped by their dad. That's how he learned about it at a young age and did it to me.
ML: Wow, that's very sad and disturbing. Were these kids normal?
D: In every way you can imagine. They ran around outside, rode bikes, played basketball, had huge gatherings of friends and family at their house. There wasn't anything you could look at and say, "This is weird," because on the surface, everything was normal. But there was sexual abuse going on.
ML: So what did this abuse do to you?
D: Oh man it really confused me. I would start getting sexual thoughts about guys even though I was in kindergarten. I remember having seen the movie My Girl where the two kids, guy and girl kiss one another. I liked that and I wanted a girl, but I was also attracted sexually to guys as well.
ML: But kindergarten, that's an awfully young age to be thinking about girls anyway, especially sexually.
D: I didn't think about girls "sexually" at that age, but I did want to kiss them. With guys it was more that I wanted to have them stay the night so maybe we could end up doing something sexual.
ML: Wow. So how long did this go on?
D: It went on for quite a while. I remember when I was in third or fourth grade I had my first orgasm. I was at my friend's house and he was sleeping without his shirt off. I touched him and it just happened. I thought I peed a little or something, I didn't know what had happened.
ML: Did he know you were doing this?
D: I don't think so. Maybe, but he never said anything or acted any different.
ML: And so you kept doing this to him?
D: Well yes and no. I did a couple more times but I didn't go on after that. I started doing it to other guys though. Eventually I'd get to the point where I started kissing other guys while they were asleep. Two of them found out. One of them really liked it and wanted to do it all the time. Before you knew it we were into our teenage years and I was staying the night over at his house every weekend. Our parents were oblivious to what was happening.
ML: So you didn't like girls at this point?
D: Oh no, I did, but I certainly had a lot more sexual activity with guys. I did get a girlfriend when I was 15, and we started a sexual relationship. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to my girlfriend. But guys were what I liked because they made me feel good. So I started going out to gay clubs and hanging out with people who were gay.
ML: Again, your parent's didn't assume anything?
D: Nope. They were very liberal and thought that me having gay friends was me having tolerance. They didn't "encourage" it, but they certainly didn't discourage it either. But no, they thought I was 100% straight.
ML: This led you into a whole new lifestyle right? Why don't you talk about that for a second?
D: Well, it wasn't a good lifestyle. Um...lots of drugs. Lots of just openly sexual parties and events. That's kind of when I learned that being gay wasn't just being attracted to guys, there's a whole other world that goes along with it. I really wanted to just hang out and have fun. But everyone was on something, and the best thing you could get was "ex" or exstacy. You wanted to just touch everyone. The older guys would feed it to the younger guys becasue they knew they were going go mess around if someone was rolling.
ML: What about these parties you said they'd have? Did they force you to do things you didn't want to?
D: No, nothing like that. It was just that the tone of the party was always very sexual. If you went out to the gay bar, there was usually someone throwing an "after bar" party at their house. That's where nearly everyone that was drunk at the bar comes to your place and hangs out. Since it's private and everyone is already drunk, it just turns into these perverted sex festivals where someone would always "cheat" on their partner or someone would get fondled while they were passed out. People who have been gay their whole lives are generally sexual predators. They feel like they were the victims of abuse, so why should they care what they do to other people? I know that's how I felt a lot and most other people did as well.
ML: And you didn't like this?
D: Not really. I acted like I did, but most of the bar parties were just drugs and trying to get someone to do something. I did have gatherings of just friends, and those were usually always fun. It was just when you got a lot of them together where it gets out of control, especially with the drugs.
ML: Did you feel like what you were doing was wrong?
D: Not wrong in the same sense that I do now, but I felt like I wasn't getting what I wanted, which was a steady partner and an enjoyable life. There was always the fear of the cops. Gay people are full of a lot of pinned up hate as well. They call all straight people "breeders" and anyone who's a Christian is just the scum of the earth. I wasn't at all Christian at the time, and in fact I didn't even like Christians, but they way that most gay people I knew talked about them and just everyone that wasn't gay in general was full of hate. They justify it by saying, "Well Christians hate us," and for the most part I believed that, but then why was the answer to hate them? It didn't make sense.
ML: So what got you out?
D: Just kind of realizing that I didn't want to be a part of this drug and sex party anymore. A couple people I knew had gotten arrested for selling drugs and were locked away for a long time. Others were getting STD's all the time but no one really cared and everyone acted like it was totally worth it. Most people would agree that it wasn't the best lifestyle in the world, but then you'd hear, "Well I'd rather live like this than like my hypocritical Christian family." So in the end, it's all about rebellion and being an immature child for most people.
ML: Do you think that most people who are homosexuals, were molested at one point?
D: Yes I do. Without question. Most people will say it's not a choice, well I'm here to tell you that it 100% is. Now, some guys just aren't turned on by women and they'll never find one attractive, I believe that. But it's because they made the concious decision at one point in their lives that they were going to go all guy and haven't turned back since. I do bet that most of those people probably couldn't find a woman attractive if they wanted to, but at a point in their lives it was a choice. Now it's not, though.
ML: And after you left this group and decided to not... I guess "be gay" for lack of a better term?
D: I left and yeah started dating girls and such. I still had problems from abuse that would surface. I was at a party once and got this girl drunk. She passed out on the couch and so after everyone else went to bed, I went and touched her. I feel really awful about this as well becasue she was about to get married. But yeah she found out, too. She woke up and her shirt was all unbuttoned and open. She got up and went into another room, I think to probably tell someone. I got up and left the house. No one approached me before I was able to leave. I think that's when I realized that there was a problem.
ML: What did you do to try and fix this problem?
D: Nothing at first. What was I going to do, tell someone? I was not about to implicate myself on something that could get me in a lot of trouble. But on the other hand, I'd now developed a like or fetish for touching girls while they were asleep.
ML: Did you ever do it again?
D: Yes, a few times. Every time it was always the same thing. Get her really drunk so she'll pass out hard and then I could do what I wanted. I never raped a girl but I did touch them. I felt at the time that it was kind of harmless, but these are all things that I now struggle with to this day.
ML: You still have struggles with these same things?
D: Not in doing what I used to do, but I think about it a lot. Today I have a girlfriend and I'm a Christian. We've been together for well over a year now, and we'll probably get married. It's nice to finally have that thing you've been looking for your whole life. But my struggle today is with pornography and my thoughts. I could just sit back and say, "Well, I was abused, not my fault," because that's what a lot of people do, I learned that when I was young. But there's something about being a man and owning up to it and confronting the demon and saying, "You know what? No more." Becasue when you do that, you're taking a stand against that rebellious nature.
ML: What final thing would you like people to know or consider about your story?
D: That things aren't alwasy what they seem. I was raped as a small child and it messed my life up. I turned to sexual encounters with men becasue it felt good, but that was just pure lust and evil. None of that was happy in the end, it was just a drunken drug party of a bunch of sexual predators. I think that's why God despises homosexuality so much, is becuase it's not just being gay per say, it's about adopting the whole lifestlye and calling people breeders and hating Christians. Most gay people will deny hating Christians or anyone, but they do. I just don't want anyone to live in a world of confussion when that's the devil controlling that.
ML: You're very brave for sitting down and telling your story. Thanks so much. Any final words?
D: Trust in God, because He has a plan for you. Even if your parents raped you, or a sibling or a friend or anyone...don't get caught up in the emotion and confusion. Know that you're the one in control of your body and that the best things for you are out there, you just have to want them more than trying to get back at the world.
Darren was baptized and confesses the Lord Jesus Christ as his Savior and Redeemer. He's a student of the Bible and especially of Revelation. He still has sin in his life and still struggles with the sexual encounters and abuse in his life, but he is stronger from it, and wants to see other people overcome their hardships as well. God bless you, Darren.